Dear John,

A Letter to Address the Discourse Between John Green and Hank Green

Dear John,

Maggie Phelps, Writer

John Green.  The intellectual who can dissect any time in history and create a Crash Course video describing every aspect of said event in incredible detail.  Say the name and every high school student will immediately know who you’re talking about, and I will bet that a lot of people think of his name fondly, remembering all the hours they spent with him as he dove through the causes of the American Civil War in under 15 minutes.

I am not one of those people.  When I hear the name John Green, rage fills my body.  I can vividly remember any time that the teacher would say, “We are going to watch a Crash Course,” and how I felt my soul crumble right in that very moment. 

Crash Course has never been beneficial to me as a student.  John is in fact speaking words, but no real sentences were actually made due to his speaking at the speed of light.  I have never in my life heard so many words fit into one second of time.  As a viewer, all the information is going in one ear and out the other, I simply cannot retain anything that he has ever said. 

John Green is more than just Crash Course, though, he is also the popular author of many books I’m sure you are familiar with, including The Fault in Our Stars, Turtles All The Way Down, Looking for Alaska, and many more.  

While I have not read the extremely popular novel The Fault in Our Stars, I have read Turtles All the Way Down.  Well, rephrase, I read the first three chapters of Turtles All the Way Down and I can confidently say that I will never subject myself to a John Green fiction novel ever again. 

Now you might be asking yourself, “What made her stop reading three chapters in?” 

Do not fear, I have an answer for you. I find his writing to be insufferable.  If I could describe his writing to you, this is how I would do it: imagine the most basic and simple sentence in the world, now find the most complex synonym for every single word in that sentence so that you now have the most incomprehensible sentence ever created.  Now imagine reading a 300-page novel with those sentences.  Not a fun experience. 

John has released a brand new book titled The Anthropocene Reviewed which is a collection of essays written by John himself in which he reviews different things of this lifetime.  In case you didn’t know, I am an autobiography connoisseur, and I am willing to read this novel and see if my opinion on John Green will change, but until that moment happens, I stand by everything that I have said. 

Dear John, we know that you’re smart.  You don’t have to continue to prove it.

I would now like to draw your attention to Hank Green, the snazzy and underrated younger brother to John Green. 

Hank is everything and more.  Let’s begin with his roots, much like John, Hank’s popularity started from Crash Course.  However, it looked a little different from John due to Hank making videos on biology and science rather than videos on U.S. and world history, and as we all know, science has always been much cooler than history. 

Hank, much like John, is also a novelist. Hank writes sci-fi novels and currently has two books out.  That might come as a surprise to you, reader, because not many people discuss Hank Green novels, which is why I say he is the superior writer.  Hank doesn’t have this cult-like following to his books like his brother John has, making his books elegant and understated, exactly what we need.  Plus sci-fi writing is more mature and takes more creativity to complete.  While I am not a sci-fi reader and will probably never read a Hank Green novel in my life, I very much respect his work (Hank, if you’re reading this, please release a memoir).

Hank displays his knowledge in a classy way.  He isn’t trying to prove to you his intelligence by rubbing it in your face (cough cough, John Green, cough cough). Instead, he breaks down certain topics or questions in a simple way that makes it easy to digest, Hank is truly there for the betterment of his audience.  I can confidently say that I have learned many things from Hank.

Not to mention, Hank has become the king of TikTok.  He simply carries the app and is the reason it is prosperous today. 

Dear Hank, I am your number one fan. 

For all legal reasons, I would like to clarify that this piece is meant for commentary purposes only.  I respect both Green brothers.