I love milk. Nothing gets me going like a double chocolate protein shake mixed with five cups of whole milk or just a brewed coffee with a splash of milk to wake me up in the morning. But while I love milk dearly, there are some milks out there that just don’t belong in circulation and so I came to set the record straight so you know what opinions you should have about milk in that next conversation with your friends about what you put in your cereal.

Skim milk

Skim milk is horrible, gross, and gets rid of all the things about milk that make it fun. It tastes like if you got milk, deprived it of joy, and replaced it with water. If there was a milk that was made for gingers, it would be this one. This milk is terrible, horrible, no good, and drinking it will make you have a very bad day.

Oat, rice, and pea milk

These shouldn’t even be considered milk. They don’t taste like milk and the only thing going for them is that they slightly resemble milk. None of these are enjoyable to drink. Finishing a glass of oat milk will make you want to throw up and pea milk will make even the most lactose intolerant person wish that they’d have drunk some real milk because all three of these kinds of milk are an embarrassment and you should feel bad if you regularly drink any of these.

1% milk

This is the milk they serve at schools and because of that, my only memories of this milk are it coming out in chunks into my small bowl of Lucky Charms and ruining my day. The only thing good about 1% milk is that it at least tastes like regular milk whenever it’s not turned into a biohazard. There’s no point in getting this instead of 2% milk unless you want to trick yourself into thinking you’re being healthy.

Soy milk

This milk is just not good unless there’s some sort of flavoring in it. It’s bad, it tastes weird and the only thing you can use it for is pretending you enjoy it with your lactose-intolerant friends.

2% milk

2% milk is a baseline for milk. It either tastes better than 2% or worse. If blondes ever had milk made for them, it would be 2%. It’s average, it’s alright, and you can use it for anything that requires milk like cereal, mac and cheese, or ice cream. 2% is a good enough milk for when you need it.

Almond milk

Almond milk is the only milk made from a nut that you can drink and not feel horrible about afterward. This is one of the few kinds of milk I would drink from a glass and you can enjoy it with both your diabetic and lactose-intolerant friends. Almond milk is definitely one of the best milk “alternatives” out there in terms of both taste and overall health benefits.

Strawberry milk

Strawberry milk is the only milk you can get in the lunch line at school that is guaranteed to not come out in chunks and because of that, I’m very fond of strawberry milk. I don’t believe it’s the best-flavored milk, especially compared to chocolate milk, but strawberry milk is amazing, and if you say otherwise you just haven’t had it yet.

Buttermilk

You are a deranged, psychopathic, strange creature if you drink straight buttermilk, but in any other application, buttermilk is one of the best milks there is. From pancakes and waffles to fried chicken breading, buttermilk tastes amazing and makes me wish that I could drink the raw product without feeling like a greasy pig afterward. 

Coconut milk

I would get on my knees, pray to God, and sing Hallelujah for just a sip of coconut milk. This might be the unhealthiest milk alternative, but who cares whenever it tastes good in the moment? I love everything about coconuts, and drinking coconut milk is the best bad choice you’ll make in your entire life. You have not attempted creating a fulfilling life for yourself if you’ve never drank coconut milk and you’ll never enjoy your life if you don’t enjoy this milk.

Whole milk

Whole milk is 2% milk if 2% milk wasn’t bad. It’s technically more “unhealthy” than 2%, but who cares? Clog my veins and stop the blood flow to my heart if it means not giving up the only normal milk that has never disappointed me or let me down. Whole milk is just so creamy and delicious and drinking it or using it in recipes makes me feel like I’m doing something good in my life. 

Chocolate milk

A classic hit, chocolate milk is that one friend in your friend group who brings everyone together. It is impossible to drink chocolate milk and not have a big smile on your face like an innocent, little kid. This milk makes you feel like a little kid again with your dad telling you he won’t be making it to your birthday party, but it doesn’t matter because your mom brought home a gallon of chocolate milk from Walmart. I don’t know what it is about chocolate milk, but it makes me feel like I’m in a 90s movie. Chocolate milk is the best milk in the world and that concludes my list of all the different types of milk.